The aftermath of turning 39: Three weeks later...

Me and my French Bulldog, Frankie Photography by https://www.camillemariebieber.com/

Three Weeks Later…

Three weeks ago, I woke up on my thirty-ninth birthday wondering what to do with my life. The build-up to my birthday was like a grey fog looming over me for weeks. But as soon as my birthday arrived, the fog began to lift, and I started to feel lighter.

Why do big celebrations carry such weight? I guess it’s the expectations of milestones you’re supposed to have achieved. When you fall short of ticking those items off your long bucket list, the disappointment sets in.

Now here I am, three weeks later: a single woman, thirty-nine years old, three days away from Christmas, living alone for the first time ever, and no longer in London. Something shifted in me on my birthday. Every year, I feel the need for change in some way. Usually, it manifests as an internal frenzy to reinvent myself externally: go on a diet, cut my hair, get Botox or fillers, or hire a personal stylist for a complete makeover. But this year was different. This year, I wanted to change my situation. And it seems the universe gave me a good nudge to leave London behind.

For six months, I’d been living with my father in Penge, an up and coming area in SE London. It was a one-bedroom flat under the housing association. I had the bedroom, and my father slept in the living room. The bathroom was in between, along with two cupboards where we stored our clothes and boxes.

The choice to live there was deliberate, though I didn’t have anywhere else to go when I was told I had to move out from my previous place. Renting with a dog in London on a salary under £30K felt impossible. The move had been on the cards for a while, but I hadn’t fully accepted it. The place I had been living in didn’t ever feel like home for many reasons. I was desperate for my own space.

The move came at a difficult time. I had been searching for house shares for months. There there was nowhere suitable for me and my four-year-old French Bulldog, Frankie, that I could afford. I was also about to embark on the next phase of my career as a Pilates teacher trainer. I had manuals to write, schedules to finalise, and the thought of moving for the fifth time in under three years made my head spin. I felt like I had nothing left.

So, I decided to move in with my father, a man I met when I was eighteen and barely knew. And that is another story for another time, one I’m not ready to share yet.

Don’t you think life is crazy? Isn’t it mad how we, as conscious living beings, choose to throw ourselves into chaos? That’s exactly what I did. But it felt necessary. I couldn’t leave London with a fifty-hour teacher training program on the horizon and my own two-hundred-hour training starting five months down the line. WOW.

Living rent-free with a stranger who was, in fact, my father was more than difficult. I paid a price emotionally, mentally, and physically. I used every yoga and self-care tool I had to keep myself going.

On my birthday, my body screamed at me, “GET OUT OF LONDON, SABRINA! You need to live alone now. It’s time.”

The urgency to move was a call to action. Not only was I suffering mentally, but the environment wasn’t safe for me or Frankie. After fantasising about areas like Brighton or Surrey (too expensive) or being closer to my mum and my Dad who raised me in Kent (a little cheaper but not dog-friendly), I decided on Hastings, East Sussex.

Why Hastings? Honestly, I haven’t got a clue except that three years ago, I visited this place for a dear yoga teacher’s birthday. I also remember visiting Hastings as a child, but I wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t know anyone there. Perfect. I was ready for a fresh start.

On Tuesday, November 26th, two days after my birthday, I said goodbye to my mum, left Frankie to stay with nanna for the week, and off I went to find my new home in Hastings. I told myself, “I will find a place. I will come back to London with a new home.” And I did. The stars aligned, my referencing passed, the deposit and contract was settled, and I was packed and moved in forty eight hours. Now, I’m writing from the sofa, still in my dressing gown at 10:41 AM on Sunday 22nd December. I’m snuggled up under an electric blanket, and this, this is what dreams are made of. Or at least my dreams are.

I haven’t quite processed the last six months. A lot happened. But here, I’ve found sanctuary and moments of peace. I’ve only been here for two weeks, and it was the easiest and least stressful move I’ve ever done, my sixth move in three years. For six months at my father’s, I ran a business from my bedroom. I ate in my bedroom, slept in my bedroom, and practiced yoga there when I couldn’t sleep. And now I’m here, in my own space. I don’t quite know what to do with myself, but I love it.

I love being alone. I love the silence when I wake up. When I come home and put the key in the door, no one is here, I’m all by myself. I love taking baths in the evening and drinking my decaf coffee in the morning. This whole experience feels like the beginning of a meditation, when you just sit down and realise you are alone with your own breath, thoughts, and feelings.

I hope to feel more than an uncoupled woman in the last year of my thirties, living solo with my French Bulldog, and building my yoga and Pilates business from this place that already feels like home. I still have looming feelings that time is running out for me as a woman and the urgency to sort out my finances and life out. However, I feel like I have arrived, somehow.

A friend reminded me that Jeff Bezos started Amazon in 1994 in his garage. That thought made me feel okay about my living situation at my father’s. For a long time, I’ve felt less-than in most situations. Now, I’m starting to feel more-than or at least more like a person having my own space.

I wish I’d taken this leap sooner. Left my hectic schedule, left London, left relationships earlier and lived alone. But I wasn’t ready. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? Never judge yourself for where you’re at in life. When you’re ready to make that change, you will.

Just think to yourself. You’re exactly where you need to be and it’s amazing what can happen one week, two weeks or three weeks later.